.
Roller coaster kind of week! You know how they say when you lose a love, you shouldn’t listen to the radio? There will be that random song which rips your heart out and serves it up with a side of salty tears. Yeah, it’s like that when you lose a love- no matter how you lose ‘em.
My week has been like that. Week - how ‘bout life? All of our lives are like this. Nothing will teach you to live in the moment like life! It will kick your ass hard and then envelope you with love, laughing, dancing, singing and magic, awesome sauce.
This week I got a hard kick in the ass over my sweet Jeannie. She’s my sis in law. She’s more than that! She was my extra sister. She was the “Oh, hell yeah you are going to go take your driver’s license test NOW," drink a little, smoke a little, get out of your comfort zone a little instigator we should all be so lucky to have!
For some reason, this week the wound of losing her was ripped wide open over and over again. Whoever murmured that platitude about closure is a moron! There is no closure! The wound stays. Maybe over time, it’s less painful, but you cannot go to the ER and have them stitch up this gaping hole.
Perhaps, because I am prone to joking around and try to keep sadness or darkness at bay, life decided that I need to acknowledge the wound a little more and pay heed. It started Monday, when I was elected to carry out a little family tradition that Jeannie always did. Happy and honored to do it, but it opened up that wound and let it bleed.
Instead of carefully selecting IPod tunes for my run this week, I took a chance. Yep! I could have just clicked to another song, but somehow that just seemed cowardly and false. It seemed like it was meant to be. Maybe I needed to let it go. I had never even heard this song before, as it was a fairly new album download. So I let the song play and Wednesday saw me running down the path with tears streaming down my face. People were staring. “Why the fuck is this chick running down the path crying like a freaking drama queen?”
And then there was today. Went to FEDEX to drop off an overnight package for my niece, Jordan. The guy pulls up my account, sees the address and prints out the label. As he shoves it across the counter, I see the name of the Addressee: Jeannie Hazelton. Arrrgh! RRRRRIIIIP! I then remember that I sent Jeannie tickets to see Poltz at The Blue Door to celebrate remission a couple of years ago I quietly ask them to change the name. It felt like I was wiping away her essence by having them change the name; that I was acknowledging the loss and the finality of it. Kind of silly and sentimental, but that’s how it felt.
They guy is like, “Are you sure?” And I almost yell! Susie, who is almost always unfailingly polite to everyone, gets a little grumpy! “Yes, I am SURE!” I glare at him.
As it is not in my nature to get sideways with people, I feel the inexplicable need to explain. WTF?!?! “Umm, sorry. It’s just that she…well, she is not with us, umm she is gone…umm she is deceased and seeing her name would just open up the wound for her kids.” I can’t even look at him while I am mumbling all this shit. I am an emotional, unhinged freakazoid who’s been released to wander about in public places…
He nods and prints another label. It felt so, I don’t know, so FINAL.
He then reaches across and briefly touches my hand. “Hey, I understand. That was hard. I am sorry for your loss. It’s cool that you are looking out for those kids. I can’t say that anything will be okay, but I CAN say that you are lucky to have that kind of love for someone.”
So true, Kevin from FEDEX, so true... And thanks for extending a little sweet dose of humanity in the course of your day. May good karma come to you always…..
MEDICINE
Steve Poltz
“And you were still alive and you greet me with a hug.”
This medicine is kicking in and gives my heart a tug.”
