Lover of Leaving......

Lover of Leaving
The one guarantee was
Leaving
I won't stay behind
Running the other way
As fast as I can
Why does your ghost insist on coming along?

Detachment

Universe, I see your message.

What is it you're trying to tell?
(Am I high from the plastic mat smell?)

This word kept coming up all week:

On the Yoga mat with so many plastic fumes, I ended up making it an outdoor rug,

(Deepak, Are you AWARE that caustic yoga mats spewing room clearing off-gas NOT from any human ass are sold in your name?)

In a movie (Wild)

In writing. (forms at work, a book I'm reading)

Okay, Universe.  Fuck, I'll listen.  Wait, you want me to acknowledge how this word applies right now.  It means so many things.  You just want me to go ahead and say it out loud.

Detachment~ Good/bad/indifferent.

Indifferent-  detached, easily dispatched with no feeling.

Ouch, that hurt(s).
Almost as much as smelling the freaking yoga mat

Ah, hell.  If ya can't joke at a time like this, then you might as well join a monetary monastery that charges you scads of money for a week of silence and a slice of moldy bread once a day.

Bad- Eeeeek!  I am NOT loving the detachment from, well, EVERYTHING.  It does; however, give me so much empathy for people who go through this organically.  Mine is situational.  I know that. Time is supposed to make this feeling, or lack thereof, evaporate like horse pee on a trail in 90 degree heat.  TallyHO, let's go.  But I will forever be grateful and hopeful for continued love, education, healing and understanding of all who go through this.

Good- Okay, Deepak with the smelly mat.  Detachment means letting go.  Ironically,  I have to let go of the one person who helped me let go of some really big things.  (WHY do I suddenly hear the sound of thousands of little girls singing in a slightly off key chorus?). I think ya may need to hit Disney and Elsa up for stealing your gig.  But it's not your gig.  Probably not your mat either.

Deepak, Disney and doormat formerly known as StankRug are only acknowledging truth that has existed since time began.  It's the hardest lesson we will ever learn and experience.    We let go of thousands of things in our lives.  Some are more painful and difficult than others...

Detachment, you are scary.  I am fearful of this journey.  But I acknowledged you today.  That is the first step.

I smell ya, Universe.

A Love Letter, Acceptance, Surrender and Wetsuits

2015 is upon us.  So many changes already.  I'll be honest.  This year starts with a huge challenge of accepting loss. Even I am amazed at the depth of emotion this causes..  Man, I LOVED hard.  And was lucky to do so. It was once in a lifetime and so life changing. It's hard to lose your hero.

Thank you, my friend.  You listened without judgement and helped me face some really difficult things.  Romantic love is easy to lose. Profound friend love is a different story altogether.  I will miss, adore and love you always. You were a wonderful light.

You were an unexpected, random, impossible, improbable surprise.  The Gypsy was right.   I had to go there.

I am hopeful time passes quickly on the swim back to happy- go- lucky, carefree and spirited.  I want to write funny things again.  I want to make people laugh.  It's good for the soul to create mirth.  It feels like home.

They say to keep busy.  I hope to finish my script, FINALLY make the move I need to make and buy a house.  I plan to take a surf trip to Costa Rica, visit Cuba and get up to Monterrey Bay and visit Cannery Row.  I love John Steinbeck.  I've never been up that far. This seems like a good time to go.

Work is about to get crazy busy with two huge challenges involving a luxury building built in a challenging area and a building that needs to be turned around.  So busy, busy, busy is the key here, I guess.  It's the quiet moments that are hard.  That's when I start thinking and missing.

When you walked away.  I was so scared to surrender to the wave.  I still am!  It's pretty daunting, this wave.  I'm afraid of the tumbling, twisting wave of grief I'm going through.  But acceptance is part of this process.  Plus I fear I have reached my snot and tissue quota for the next 5 years.  So I better start swimming :)

Surrender.....

Well, surrender wearing a bitchin' wetsuit.  No reason NOT to be fashion forward.  Yee to the FUCKING haw for that, my love!  You made that happen.  That alone was worth the price of admission. I thank you for this every day.  Forever........