“If you mourn the way you loved so much then maybe you should go and fuck yourself.”
I borrowed from Justin Bieber! I didn’t even know he wrote this song,but it’s actually a beautiful song. Okay, I altered the lyrics a little, but all the loves to The Biebs.
I’m trying to look at this time in my life from sort of an out of body experience, which is easy in terms of feeling numb sometimes and like I’m observing instead of feeling anything. In a weird way, it’s kinda cool.
I visited my old Reiki Master before I went to Joshua Tree. My friend made an appointment with her months back and couldn’t make it due to a flight delay, I felt bad that no one would take up the slot, so I went myself. As things always work, it was meant to be.
She immediately exclaimed that my throat chakra held many unsaid things. She blurted it out even before we sat down and greeted each other after many years apart. I just smiled and said nothing. She is an empath. No need to say anything. She also named some things around me so accurately it was a little scary.
I asked her to clear me and she smiled and hugged me.
“Honey, YOU have to clear yourself. YOU have to let go. YOU have to do the work.”
These past few weeks I’ve buried unsaid things by working my ass off at work, working out 3 times a day, cleaning my loft and filling every minute until bed. And those are all good ways to fuck yourself in a sense. Let’s face it. Fucking yourself can be good. Making yourself feel good. My portfolio assets will be in tip top shape for investors, my ass is starting to look fine and the bottom line is my loft looks like no one lives there because it looks so pristine and pretty.
But I knew what she meant. I needed to fuck myself by going there. Go back inside my body and mind and stop observing. Fucking yourself means bringing on things that can hurt.
Joshua Tree was the best way. I was alone there some of the time. So I started the work and went back inside. I looked and viewed beautiful pictures and the new love and new adventures. It made me sad, but happy for his heart. I needed to see that reality. That was my way. And then I voiced my love and sadness and feelings under the stars of the dark desert night, letting unsaid things and truth and reality of the loss loose from my throat and hopefully my soul.
In time I know that fucking myself will lead to turning around one day with clarity and readiness to say, “Fuck yeah. I’ve GOT this.”
