My thoughts on pantyhose (and other random things, which result from a restless spirit wide awake at 3 a.m.):
Who wears them? I am thinking possibly the stuffy crowd looking to flash mob Starbucks because they employ gay people. 90 Year old women living in Alaska where nothing grows; even yeasty little microbes which require an embarrassing trip to the doctor, or for the hardy do it yourself crowd, a furtive, nonchalant stroll down that "special aisle" dedicated to women at the CVS.
Come to think of it, why is it that strange men seem to populate this aisle on a regular basis? WHY ARE YOU THERE? LEAVE! Let me buy whatever it is that I don't want to broadcast to the world that I have in a semi secret state of anonymity. There is NOTHING on this aisle you need. You are not pregnant, ovulating, menstruating, yeasty or menopausal. It's bad enough when the dope at the check out can't scan to save his life and asks for a price check on the loudspeaker.
And have you BEEN down the pantyhose aisle lately? What used to take up a whole row is now reduced to a sad, single little display of plastic eggs begging to be harvested. And they are seriously UGLY! And expensive! So you want me to plunk down $5.95 for a pair of hose in "Natural." Seriously? I don't recall ever seeing skin on any woman that is so shiny it could be seen by astronauts looking down on Mama Earth from the space station.
Why is that strange men populate coffee shops? Seriously! "NO, I HAVE NEVER SEEN A FLYING SAUCER. Thanks for inquiring. I do sort of wish one would appear right now and beam me up. Save me, Captain James T. Kirk! (The young maverick from the 60's, please! The current version schilling cheap hotel rooms for Priceline need NOT apply.)
And old guys who can be my grandpa. Ya'll are SO cute when you flirt. I don't mind. It makes me smile. To the old dude in Encinitas who said he felt lucky he missed the light and schmoozed me with, "Honey, you have the most beautiful green eyes I have EVER seen. " Well, that was just sweet. Never mind that they are blue; it was still cute. No, I won't go to dinner with you, but I appreciate that you still work your skilz, playa'.
And adorable fireman? Yes, I did blow it the other day. I am a dork. My 25 year old cousin (twice removed ) who works at the coffee shop called me on it! He shook his head at his 3rd cousin as he witnessed the following exchange:
AF: " It's REALLY hot."
Dorky Susie: "Yes, it IS. Well, see ya later."
You notice I wrote Chic Filet? I did it on purpose! Cuz this is MY blog! That's how I roll. Seriously, though.... Being fashion forward is taking a beating lately. It's a chic filet of another kind. Open toed shoes? I AM A FAN!
Open toed shoes
are fashion forward, show off the $30 pedi we just had to endure while trying
to ascertain whether the chick doing our toesies is talking about us in another
language and are sooooo fun to wear. That's all I gotta say about that.
I HATE Chick Filet. No, not the restaurant serving up crusty chicken sandwiches with a side of hate spew, although you will never see me dine there. I hate Chick Filet where mean females gang up on the innocent like rabid little chimpanzees in a Jane Goodall documentary. Not all of us practice this cannabilistic display, so it distresses me when I witness it in all its rabid glory.
May you a sprout gnarly, twisted hair from your left nipple 5 minutes before a date! And STOP being mean! Life can suck hard enough without your little contribution. And stop picking on people who are different or less than perfect or frail and weak! Be nice! Resist peer pressure to act like vapid morons! Go hang out and eat chicken with the pantyhose wearin' haters and revel in how beautiful it is to be "normal.". Have a great, yeasty old time!
I bought into to it for juuuuust about a second until I pulled back and remembered a little thing called loyalty and respect. And I remembered who I am. Daddy Clovis always told me to remember the people who got me to the dance and make sure I stick with them like glue. So I did. I have to honor people and history and time. And love. Because love is important. Love comes in a million different ways. Honoring your past with someone is love in its purest, most beautiful form. You Remind Me Who I AM!!!!!!
Finally, thanks for sticking with this rant all the way to the end. I apologize. Let me leave you with something useful. Best body scrub ever:!!!! - Kosher salt, olive oil, peppermint, vanilla and a dash of cinnamon. Your beautiful skin will be soft and feel great - except if you have a papercut.
