Rebellion Raven

“I thought you were watching her.”   

Before they tore down the lovely old abandoned Art Deco low-rise across the street from me, these two would hang out.  I have no curtains and walked around secure in the knowledge they would keep my sunrise strip sashays a secret.

Now they’re gone and eventually a 52 story high-rise monstrosity will block my beloved morning sunrise AND require curtains.  Or maybe I’ll just continue as before and require my rich new neighbors to adjust their blinds accordingly.   They are promised million dollar views from their gazillion dollar 500 sq ft “condo.”  They’ll have to settle for the dollar view of my white naked arse every morning.

I’m starting to feel the tiny little “Fuck you” spirit twin that resides within awaken.  I never let her out.  I tend to not speak out,  try to keep peace and yes, sometimes allow situations and people too much. So much energy wasted in not allowing space for that side of me.  I’m a little scared of “Rebellion Raven.”   Time to let that bird fly.

Go Fuck Yourself

“If you mourn the way you loved so much then maybe you should go and fuck yourself.”

I borrowed from Justin Bieber!  I didn’t even know he wrote this song,but it’s actually a beautiful song.  Okay, I altered the lyrics a little, but all the loves to The Biebs.

I’m trying to look at this time in my life from sort of an out of body experience, which is easy in terms of feeling numb sometimes and like I’m observing instead of feeling anything.  In a weird way, it’s kinda cool.

I visited my old Reiki Master before I went to Joshua Tree. My friend made an appointment with her months back and couldn’t make it due to a flight delay,  I felt bad that no one would take up the slot, so I went myself.  As things always work, it was meant to be.

She immediately exclaimed that my throat chakra held many unsaid things.  She blurted it out even before we sat down and greeted each other after many years apart.  I just smiled and said nothing.  She is an empath.  No need to say anything.    She also named some things around me so accurately it was a little scary.

I asked her to clear me and she smiled and hugged me.

“Honey, YOU have to clear yourself.  YOU have to let go.  YOU have to do the work.”

These past few weeks I’ve buried unsaid things by working my ass off at work, working out 3 times a day, cleaning my loft and filling every minute until bed.   And those are all good ways to fuck yourself in a sense.  Let’s face it.  Fucking yourself can be good.  Making yourself feel good.  My portfolio assets will be in tip top shape for investors, my ass is starting to look fine and the bottom line is my loft looks like no one lives there because it looks so pristine and pretty.

But I knew what she meant.  I needed to fuck myself by going there. Go back inside my body and mind and stop observing.  Fucking yourself means bringing on things that can hurt.

Joshua Tree was the best way. I was alone there some of the time.  So I started the work and went back inside.  I looked and viewed beautiful pictures and the new love and new adventures.  It made me sad, but happy for his heart.  I needed to see that reality.  That was my way. And then I voiced my love and sadness and feelings under the stars of the dark desert night, letting unsaid things and truth and reality of the loss loose from my throat and hopefully my soul.

In time I know that fucking myself will lead to turning around one day with clarity and readiness to say, “Fuck yeah.  I’ve GOT this.”

Embracing The Suck

I waited for his answer. For awhile.  Then I knew.   Truth is I knew even before the wait commenced.  His silence only confirmed what my heart already knew.   I tried hard to ignore the hurt by running away and filling my time with travel, staying busy and not thinking.  It was easy during the holidays.  Then a friend came over, and she had a small anxiety moment,. I felt so bad for her and tried so hard to make her feel better.

She looked at me and smiled.  “Hey, it’s okay.  I’m going to be fine.  My therapist told me I have to sit with this and go through it to get to the other side.  Whatever you’re going through, you need to just stop running and feel all of it.”

My heart sank because I knew she was right.   So that night I just let it come.  I let the tears out and the grief in.  Oh, Hoyt Axton.  All the feels.  Wonder what you were going through when you wrote your song.

“Sweet Misery.  She loves your company.
  She’s in a crowd when she is all alone
  She doesn’t care.  Follows you everywhere
  She is most happy when she makes you moan.”

I saw a meme the other day that said “EMBRACE THE SUCK.”   And it does.  SUCK!  I alternate between feeling overwhelming sorrow and feeling absolutely nothing.  I don’t know which is worse.  Not only am I embracing the suck, I pretty much am sleeping with suck.  Yes, I’m having a 3 way with suck and ennui.

I know it gets better.  It just takes time. That’s what everyone says.  Except Miranda Lambert.!  She has this one song that just spells out the exact feelings.of loss.  A long stupid embrace the suck time.   Truth is that the whole bullshit about closure is a lie.  If you’ve truly loved someone,  that hole is always there.    I think you do get to the other side faster by embracing the suck.   So embrace suck I will.   I plan to make him my plus one at the next wedding I attend.

The upside I guess is some of the best art and writing I’ve created have been in times of sorrow.  My mermaid story and some of the photos I did in that time are some of my favorites.  I think those things count as embracing the darkness and not running.

We all have those moments when we wish we could see the people we love one more time.   Those thoughts are bittersweet and acknowledge the sadness of loss and the sweetness of love.  So I embrace the thoughts and send them from my heart.

I would place my hand on my love’s rib and  silently give him my  gratitude for letting the child love like a true woman.