Embracing The Suck

I waited for his answer. For awhile.  Then I knew.   Truth is I knew even before the wait commenced.  His silence only confirmed what my heart already knew.   I tried hard to ignore the hurt by running away and filling my time with travel, staying busy and not thinking.  It was easy during the holidays.  Then a friend came over, and she had a small anxiety moment,. I felt so bad for her and tried so hard to make her feel better.

She looked at me and smiled.  “Hey, it’s okay.  I’m going to be fine.  My therapist told me I have to sit with this and go through it to get to the other side.  Whatever you’re going through, you need to just stop running and feel all of it.”

My heart sank because I knew she was right.   So that night I just let it come.  I let the tears out and the grief in.  Oh, Hoyt Axton.  All the feels.  Wonder what you were going through when you wrote your song.

“Sweet Misery.  She loves your company.
  She’s in a crowd when she is all alone
  She doesn’t care.  Follows you everywhere
  She is most happy when she makes you moan.”

I saw a meme the other day that said “EMBRACE THE SUCK.”   And it does.  SUCK!  I alternate between feeling overwhelming sorrow and feeling absolutely nothing.  I don’t know which is worse.  Not only am I embracing the suck, I pretty much am sleeping with suck.  Yes, I’m having a 3 way with suck and ennui.

I know it gets better.  It just takes time. That’s what everyone says.  Except Miranda Lambert.!  She has this one song that just spells out the exact feelings.of loss.  A long stupid embrace the suck time.   Truth is that the whole bullshit about closure is a lie.  If you’ve truly loved someone,  that hole is always there.    I think you do get to the other side faster by embracing the suck.   So embrace suck I will.   I plan to make him my plus one at the next wedding I attend.

The upside I guess is some of the best art and writing I’ve created have been in times of sorrow.  My mermaid story and some of the photos I did in that time are some of my favorites.  I think those things count as embracing the darkness and not running.

We all have those moments when we wish we could see the people we love one more time.   Those thoughts are bittersweet and acknowledge the sadness of loss and the sweetness of love.  So I embrace the thoughts and send them from my heart.

I would place my hand on my love’s rib and  silently give him my  gratitude for letting the child love like a true woman.