Spitting Image

I am pretty tolerant of most things, people, habits, etc, but DO NOT get me started on spitting.   NOTHNG grosses me out more than spitting.  Seriously!  And why, why, why do most people feel it necessary to sound like a 25 yr. old cat gakking up a lifetime of hairballs while they do it?

Violator #1:  Guy at boot camp, please freaking go get a drink of water.  Please!  You spend more time yakking, phlegm flinging and de-furring the inside of your esophagus than you do exercising.   Have you noticed that each time you say hello to me, I can barely find it in my normally gentle heart to give you the time of day?  It's because you truly gross me out.  And THEN after your episodic refluxathon,  you seem to always want to borrow my personal  exercise mat and use it!  Yep, really, really want to share my mat with you.  Here's an idea:   Stop spitting long enough to go to Walmart and buy a mat for $15.  And please stop chewing cud before class or whatever it is that makes you produce enough saliva to coat the world.

Violator #2:  I must say that today I judged.  I was sitting at my favorite little funky coffee shop, enjoying the San Diego sunshine and my weekly moment of dietary sin in the form of a huge, fat laden, buttery scone.    A tall, skinny dude walked outside and violently hocked the biggest loogie in the history of man.  I fully expected 10 aliens to erupt from his mouth as he cleared his throat and spat a mere foot or so from my table.

I glared at him hard, gathered up my things and flounced down the street towards the precious parking I secured three and a half blocks from the place.  Each step took me closer to Priuscilla and this blog as I muttered silent curses in my head about saliva slingers and their kind.   I barely noticed a voice calling out behind me.

      "Miss, Miss!  Hey, Miss, is this your phone?"

I whirled around, and there stood the spitter.  He had followed me for almost 2 blocks trying to return the phone I 'd left in haste in response to his goo gala..  He smiled in earnest as he handed me the phone. He had very warm brown eyes and a sweet smile.  I smiled back and silently forgave his gross ass.  Maybe the aliens inhabiting his body were producing massive amounts of secretion as they  waited to spew forth  at just the right moment to take over ownership of the world.

For the rest of you who deem it necessary to share your mucus with the world,  just don't.  Pretty please?!?  Thank you.